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Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

Sherman Hemsley dies. Anyone who makes a “deluxe apartment in the sky” joke gets punched in the sack. Some women on Twitter are calling Colorado shooter James Holmes “cute”. Well, you know what they say about bad boys, ladies.........THEY WILL...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

“London forgets to hire enough security for the Olympics. Says contractor, in his defense, 'Do people still watch the Olympics? Really? Hm. So should we have guns, or are we good with sternly worded warnings?'” “Needles found in Delta sandwiches,...More

 

Supreme Court tells non-white Arizonans to sleep with one eye open

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The Supreme Court ruled Monday to overturn key parts of Arizona's immigration law. For example, police may no longer arrest immigrants without a warrant but with “probable cause” that they are committing a crime which may lead to deportation. Hispanics...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

“Woman with flesh-eating bacteria refuses pain meds for skin grafts. Now go get a check up, ya goddamn pussy.” “Conservative reporter interrupts President Obama during a speech. 'Next, I'll run up and kick him in the sack during the State...More

 

Headline Round Up!

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Jerry Sandusky trial begins today. “This is an outrage!” Sandusky's lead attorney proclaimed. “Since when is it wrong for a grown man to take a shower with a bunch of sweaty, pre-pubescent boys? Oh, I'm sorry – I guess it's...More

 

More headlines, and a brief scene about STDs.

Issue: 

Gonorrhea is now a super bug that will be untreatable in a few years. Chlamydia hangs its head, goes out to the road and starts kicking some rocks. Herpes walks over and puts and arm around Chlamydia's shoulders. Says, “Hey...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

“In a shocking twist, George Zimmerman turns out to be someone who exaggerates circumstances for their own benefit. Bail is revoked.” “After recent Seattle shootings, pro-gun advocates argue a patron with a gun would have stopped the shooter. Step up...More

 

Edwards Jury Finds Him Guilty – of Dreaminess

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The jury in the John Edwards case came back today to tell the judge that they are having difficulty coming to a decision regarding his guilt in the improper use of funds. However, they reported that have found him guilty...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

A round up of recent headlines. Etan Patz's killer confesses 33 years later. “I wanted to be able to live a life first, you know? Get married, have kids............huh? What?! How is that insensitive?” Diddy's son gets $54,000 scholarship. Boy...More

 

Nations hold intervention with Iran. It does not go well.

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On Wednesday, the United States, Russia, Germany, France, China, and Britain staged an intervention for Iran to get it to come to terms with its use of threats about nuclear weapons. At 6:00 in the evening, Iran returned home from...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

“Over 50% of Florida students fail state writing test. Most educators are unconcerned, as good grammar is not needed when writing ransom notes.” “Lockerbie bomber dies in Libya. World reacts with exaggerated shrug.” “$3.6 million worth of marijuana was found...More

 

Soldier dad surprises son at school with news of divorce.

Issue: 

Like a scene out of countless youtube videos, an Army dad surprised his son at school after returning home from Afghanistan yesterday. This surprise, however, took a slightly different turn. “Daaaaaaaaaddy!!!” “Hi son. I'm home.” “Oh Daddy, I love you!...More

 

Headline Round Up!

Issue: 

Today's Headlines: "JP Morgan Chase exec steps down after $2B loss. In related news, your boss would like you to stop buying the wrong type of copy paper." "Initial headline for Time Magazine's cover photo: 'Hey ladies! Check out this...More

 

North Carolina says “YES!” to fear: Same sex marriage ban passes.

In what may be a record-breaking turn out, terrified North Carolinians voted Tuesday to ban same sex marriage, partnerships, and civil unions. Tami Fitzgerald, chairwoman of the executive committee for the pro-amendment Vote for Marriage NC, said of their victory,...More

 

Jan Brewer Flips Off Arizona Uteruses – Bans Public Funding for Planned Parenthood

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“No more free rides for uteruses in MY state!” cried Governor Brewer, as she signed off on a bill that would end most public funding to abortion providers, including Planned Parenthood. Citing her supporters, who do not wish to have...More

 

Bin Laden Documents Reveal a “Bitchy” and “Totally Unsupportive” Management Style

Issue: 

“OH MY EFFING GOD, YOU GUYS!” began one of many letters found after the Navy Seals raided Bin Ladin's compound in May of last year. In his letters, Bin Ladin shared concerns about the way senior leadership was handling offshoots...More

 

Headlines from the past two weeks, after being passed through my fantasy filter.

"Douchebags everywhere in search of new pick up line -- 'I Work for the Secret Service' now subject to ridicule." "Rupert Murdoch knew nothing. Insists staff said 'EARMUFFS, RUPERT!' when discussing hacking." "New phrase for condescension sweeps the nation: 'If...More

 

John Edwards Jury selection hits a snag – Defendant found to be “completely unlikeable.”

Issue: 

Jury selection has begun for the trial against former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards. Edwards is accused of mismanaging money during his 2008 presidential campaign, using some of the money that may have come from campaign donations to support his...More

 

Supreme Court Allows Strip Searches for Minor Offenses – Perverts Everywhere Rejoice

Issue: 

On Monday, April 2nd, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 that people may be strip-searched for any offense, even if there is no reason to suspect they are carrying any contraband. “You just never know,” said Officer John Wilson, tweaking his...More

 

C-Span hires Keith Olbermann, already hates itself.

Keith Olbermann has signed a new two year deal with C-Span to host a new show tentatively titled, “Loud Talking with Olbermann.” C-Span producer Martin Wiseman said about the deal, “Listen, we all know Keith's reputation. Which is why we...More