Sherman Hemsley dies. Anyone who makes a “deluxe apartment in the sky” joke gets punched in the sack.
Some women on Twitter are calling Colorado shooter James Holmes “cute”. Well, you know what they say about bad boys, ladies.........THEY WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU.
Bristol Palin's toddler son calls his Aunt a “faggot” on Palin's new reality show. Palin says, “I can't imagine where he would hear such an awful word............PSYCH! No, I totally say it all the time.”
A woman's scalp was pulled off her head by a machine in a factory accident in Ohio. Exaggerating terror-whores everywhere say, “I KNEW IT!!!”
“London forgets to hire enough security for the Olympics. Says contractor, in his defense, 'Do people still watch the Olympics? Really? Hm. So should we have guns, or are we good with sternly worded warnings?'”
“Needles found in Delta sandwiches, igniting a publicity battle among other struggling airlines. Look for a swiss army knife in your United tortilla wrap.”
“Author of 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' dies at 79. Family says his death was incredibly efficient.”
“In a new interview, Michael Vick says he has 'made peace with the past'. When asked for a comment, one of his former dogs took a big, smelly dump.”
The Supreme Court ruled Monday to overturn key parts of Arizona's immigration law. For example, police may no longer arrest immigrants without a warrant but with “probable cause” that they are committing a crime which may lead to deportation. Hispanics and people with a slight tan cheered, until the Supreme Court cleared its throat and said, “Slow down, brown people. You're not off the hook yet.”
The court upheld the law allowing Arizona police to check a person's immigration status if they have broken another law and there is “reasonable suspicion” that they are in the country illegally. “So, we're on your side, brown people,” the Supreme Court said, “Just mind your P's and Q's and everything will be cool!” Read more
“Woman with flesh-eating bacteria refuses pain meds for skin grafts. Now go get a check up, ya goddamn pussy.”
“Conservative reporter interrupts President Obama during a speech. 'Next, I'll run up and kick him in the sack during the State of the Union! Because I have important and valuable points to make!'”
“Daredevil walks across Niagara Falls. Death snaps his scythe over his knee in frustration.”
“Got questions for Snooki and J-WowW? Great! Now, do us a favor and open your front door. Yup – go ahead, we'll wait for you. Good. Now TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.”
Jerry Sandusky trial begins today. “This is an outrage!” Sandusky's lead attorney proclaimed. “Since when is it wrong for a grown man to take a shower with a bunch of sweaty, pre-pubescent boys? Oh, I'm sorry – I guess it's not 'politically correct' to write a young boy letters or gift him with trips to bowl games! This country makes me sick.”
Lady Gaga gets hit with a large pole. Pole says it has had better. Read more
Gonorrhea is now a super bug that will be untreatable in a few years. Chlamydia hangs its head, goes out to the road and starts kicking some rocks. Herpes walks over and puts and arm around Chlamydia's shoulders. Says, “Hey. Chin up, you. One day you won't have a cure, either. At least you're the most common! I may not have a cure, but I don't get anywhere near the number of diagnoses you do!” Chlamydia sniffs, wipes its eyes on its sleeve, and says, “Yeah, you're right, Herpes. I guess I've just got to keep putting one burning sensation after the other. Nothing worth doing is easy, right?” “That's right, buddy. Now come on. Gonorrhea is going to blow out the candles on its 'No Cure' cake.” Read more
“In a shocking twist, George Zimmerman turns out to be someone who exaggerates circumstances for their own benefit. Bail is revoked.”
“After recent Seattle shootings, pro-gun advocates argue a patron with a gun would have stopped the shooter. Step up 'everybody gets a gun' campaign. The mentally ill, grudge-holding members of the population offer their full support.”
“A Pentecostal serpent handler, Mark Wolford, dies from a snake bite, just like his father did before him. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations of gloves for his children.”
“A gay porn actor is being sought for the dismemberment of another man. America wonders when the story will get sensational.”
The jury in the John Edwards case came back today to tell the judge that they are having difficulty coming to a decision regarding his guilt in the improper use of funds. However, they reported that have found him guilty of “Dreaminess, along with a lesser charge of Piercing Blue Eyes”, said the jury foreperson.
The judge expressed frustration with the jury. “I am totally and completely disgusted with each and every one of you,” he said. He then sent the jury back to deliberate some more, and ordered Mr. Edwards to stop shaving before coming to court. The defense feels this will work in their favor, however. “Have you ever seen John Edwards with a 5 o'clock shadow?” his attorney asked? “KA-CHING! He might as well plan that getaway with juror number 6 now!........Allegedly.”
A round up of recent headlines.
Etan Patz's killer confesses 33 years later. “I wanted to be able to live a life first, you know? Get married, have kids............huh? What?! How is that insensitive?”
Diddy's son gets $54,000 scholarship. Boy working as a dishwasher after school tries to drown himself in the sink.
Romney and Obama both make pledges to support war veterans. Veterans say, “Holy cow, is it memorial day again already?!”
Naked attacker shot dead while chewing off a man's face. On Wednesday, that other nightmare you had about your gym coach wearing short shorts will also come true.
On Wednesday, the United States, Russia, Germany, France, China, and Britain staged an intervention for Iran to get it to come to terms with its use of threats about nuclear weapons.
At 6:00 in the evening, Iran returned home from work to find all six nations sitting and waiting for it. A facilitator from the United Nations began the conversation.
“Iran, my name is Michael. Your friends are very worried about you, and we would like to talk to you about your problem with nuclear weapons.”
Iran immediately got defensive. “Fuck you guys! I don't need to listen to this!”
“Yes, I think you do,” said the United States, taking Iran by the arm and leading it to a chair.
“I swear to god I will fuck you guys up!” yelled Iran.
“Ah oui. We know.” said France, rolling its eyes. Read more
“Over 50% of Florida students fail state writing test. Most educators are unconcerned, as good grammar is not needed when writing ransom notes.”
“Lockerbie bomber dies in Libya. World reacts with exaggerated shrug.”
“$3.6 million worth of marijuana was found floating in the ocean on Sunday. Someone is totally getting fired."
“Flesh eating bacteria attacks a 23-year-old woman and a mother of newborn twins. Looking to get your grandma and the disabled boy down the block next.”
Like a scene out of countless youtube videos, an Army dad surprised his son at school after returning home from Afghanistan yesterday.
This surprise, however, took a slightly different turn.
“Hi son. I'm home.”
“Oh Daddy, I love you! I missed you so much!”
“I missed you too! More than anything.”
“Dad? Where's Mom?”
“Son, there's no right time to tell you this, so I am choosing now. Your mom and I are getting a divorce. She's back at the house packing.”
The newly reunited son and father then went home, where the Marine met his very excited dog for the first time in eight months. He then took the dog to get neutered.
"JP Morgan Chase exec steps down after $2B loss. In related news, your boss would like you to stop buying the wrong type of copy paper."
"Initial headline for Time Magazine's cover photo: 'Hey ladies! Check out this woman breastfeeding her preschooler! Now.........FIGHT!'"
"Button batteries account for 84% of battery-related ER visits by children. Regarding the other 16% a hospital spokesman said, 'Man, you don't even want to know. Kids are some real flexible idiots.'"
"On Friday, Senator Rand Paul said of President Obama's support for gay marriage that thought the President's views 'couldn't get any gayer.' He then high-fived the reporter next to him and hurried off to Intro to Econ to take notes for some of his brothers in Kappa Kappa Psi."
In what may be a record-breaking turn out, terrified North Carolinians voted Tuesday to ban same sex marriage, partnerships, and civil unions. Tami Fitzgerald, chairwoman of the executive committee for the pro-amendment Vote for Marriage NC, said of their victory, “We are proud to join such forward looking states as Texas...........and uh, Kansas.........um.........let me start again.” Read more
“No more free rides for uteruses in MY state!” cried Governor Brewer, as she signed off on a bill that would end most public funding to abortion providers, including Planned Parenthood. Citing her supporters, who do not wish to have their tax dollars support cancer screenings, vaccinations, and health education (editor's note: this should read “cancer screenings, vaccinations, health education, AND abortions. We apologize for the error), Governor Brewer called it a “common sense” law that “closes loopholes”. Read more